Q: My 81-year-old grandma has been dating a man her own age for a few years now. They’re not planning on getting married, but they are a “couple.” How should I refer to him? “Boyfriend” just seems weird, and grandma just calls him Larry.
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Hello, and welcome to the latest edition of “Questions for a Language Ninja,” the only Q & A language usage column where nearly every response to burning linguistic queries is: “It’s all good, man,” at least when those queries arrive in the middle of an otherwise lazy summer. Let’s get started.
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Welcome to the very first Language Ninja column of the summer! Let’s pour ourselves a frozen peach iced tea, relax by the pool, and start tacklin’ some rules of grammar and syntax!
Q: Is “close proximity” redundant?
A: A bit, yes. Of course, that doesn’t mean that the Ninja won’t go on and on at length about the subject.
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28 04 2015
Is Technology Changing Our Language?
As the subject of much woeful head-shaking among English teachers and grammar snobs, text and Twitter lingo have long been blamed for ruining the way we now communicate. (Because we were such bastions of language excellence before, I guess? #scapegoat)
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Happy springtime, everyone! The Ninja’s back, and answering more burning language usage questions. Let’s get crackin’!
Q: What is the difference between “further” and “farther?” Is there any real difference?
A: To answer both your questions succinctly: The existence of physical distance, and sort of.
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31 03 2015
A Case for Keeping It Real
Epic fail.
Literally the best.
The most amazing.
The absolute worst.
These superlative descriptions are best reserved for, respectively, the sinking of the Titanic, invention of the wheel, the Great Pyramid of Giza and the 1918 flu pandemic.
Today, it’s hard to know where you stand when something as minor as burnt toast can be considered an epic fail, or a particularly good burger becomes literally the best thing ever. An affliction of modern discourse is our penchant for exaggeration. Having been a vegetarian for seventeen years, to me there are few foods that come close to the glory that is a nice thick juicy burger. But let’s not get carried away; I’ve had ups and downs, but my life would be pretty grim if a hunk of ground beef was literally the best thing ever.
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Envision a gothic fantasy tale, with a blood-sucking horror sitting at a piano. His cold, pale hands dance over the white, glistening keys of the ancient instrument as his haggard, wet breath exits his chest in a tremendous gray cloud of cold, damp vapor.
Your skin may have crawled a little while reading that, but not because the tremendous number of descriptors painted a vivid picture in your mind. In fact, you may have even been distracted by how many words were used to say something so simple. This is an example of the danger of over-reliance on adjectives in your descriptions.
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Remember the neutral male pronoun? In case that sounds like jargon to you, let me provide an example:
If a student hopes to earn an A on his final report, he should not only study all the previous course material, but also bring his teacher gifts and perform various other tasks that serve to boost his favoritism ratings.
While this is clearly objectively excellent advice, notice the consistently male pronouns. Am I writing to a class of only male students? Am I assuming that only the male students are required to perform brown-nosing acrobatics while the female students are naturally gifted enough to earn A’s on their own? Do only the male students care about their grades? This is so confusing!
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Question: Ninja, tell me truly. Is grammar important, really?
Answer: Yes, of course! With a caveat.
See, grammar exists as a structure for the efficient communication of ideas. When we uniformly accept the common standards for a particular language, we are able to say what we mean and mean what we say. However, humans made the rules, and humans can gosh-darned well break them, too. Screw you, academia!
Language is Fluid
Language is fluid; usages change and we may even begin to use basic terms in radically different ways. The word hack may seem innocuous enough, but there are no less than seven common definitions for this one little term, and we aren’t even counting the archaic falconry and cheese-making associations (“I’m still hacking[1] up my lungs from when I had to hack[2] my way out of my burning apartment with a Rachel Ray kitchen knife, after that hack[3] who hacked[4] into my life-hack[5] website dropped a lit joint on my shag carpet, then called a hack[6] and fled because he couldn’t hack[7] it”).
